Let it Be

Life.  It has it's moments.  Some better than others.

Apparently my honeymoon with my 30s are over.  It wasn't a bad run...five years, not bad at all.  I seem to be stuck in a rut all of a sudden...well, over the last seven months or so.  Oh, it hasn't all been bad.  There have been plenty of good times but somehow I always end up back where I started.  It's a bit like chasing my tail.  But, through it all I've come to realize something...something that's become a bit of a motto for me...something that has helped me accept all the events that seem to have been swirling around me.  "It is what it is."

There have been many times in my life that I've tried to force things to go the way I think they should.  You see, and I may have mentioned this before, I'm a bit of a control freak.  Not on the obsessive level, but I do seem to need to feel like I have some semblance of control over portions of my life.  I'm a creature of comfort...I like to find my niche and stay there.  I need "normalcy".  I don't handle change well.  I'm always amazed when I confide this to people and they are very surprised by it.  It would seem that I appear to be someone that enjoys change.  I assure you, it's on the outside alone.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all about rearranging furniture or learning/trying new things...but it has to be on my terms.  Throw in some life altering event and my insides positively cringe, toes curl, teeth nash.  My friends, there have been way too many life altering events the last seven months.

At one point this past winter, still surrounded by snow up to our ears, I found myself sitting in my garage absolutely unable to force myself out the door, my fingers poised over the numbers on my cell phone, quite certain that I was going to have to call my father and tell him he needed to make the 8 hour trip here to help me.  It's not easy admitting this; setting it adrift on the waves of cyberspace for anyone and everyone to read.  I like to think of myself as a strong person; not as someone who is capable of a complete shut down.  I don't like it one bit.

Somewhere along the line during my constant analysis of myself and my life, I realized "it is what it is."  There are somethings that I have to accept as they are.  Forcing things to fit into what I consider to be right wouldn't do any good.  In fact, it would most likely just make things worse.  So it seems I keep returning to my new motto, religiously.  I  breathe, take a step back and choose acceptance.

Acceptance that I can't do everything alone and that I have to occassionally ask for help.  Acceptance that, though my daughter has chosen to live with her father and I have made mistakes, I am a good person and mother.  Acceptance that I am what I am...and that is exactly as God made me and that I'm beautiful in His eyes.  Acceptance that "alone" is not a four letter word.

Yes, life is what you make it.  Sometimes the best way to make it good is to just let it be.

Once Upon A Time...My Virginal Voyage Down The Creative Challenge Highway

Ahhh, the wonderful Scott and Martin from Vintage Image Crafts threw out a creative challenge promising laud and praise as well as international fame (and a few wonderful prizes for the top three entries) to the winners.  I took note.  I hemmed; I hawed.  The final 10 days to enter were announced.  I bit.  I love these guys.  They've shared stores of Freebies to friends on Facebook...not to mention the wonderful images they've gifted us with through their newsletters.

Babies, babies everywhere.  It seems this is the year of the baby for friends and family.  I adored the vintage photo offered of a sweet babe sitting in a chair.  Such a sweet angelic face.  There's just something magical about the eyes captured in vintage photos. I knew this image was destined to become a baby shower card for one of the lucky ladies I know.   So, why not tackle two jobs with one card...entry for a craft challenge...baby shower card.  Voila!

Much of my inspiration came from the beautiful collection of papers by DCWV (The Once Upon a Time stack).  They reminded me of the youthful belief in magic and fairy tales...princes and princesses, dragons and fairies.  Since the mom-to-be that I am crafting this for doesn't know if she's having a prince or a princess I tried to keep it as gender neutral as possible while maintaining the fairy tale feel.  My vision was to make it look like a book with a ribbon binding and matching ribbon bookmark.

I like the etherial feel of ripped paper opposed to the stark straight lines of a well-manicured slice so most of my elements have been torn.  I ripped the woodland image from one page and used and Elmer's glue stick to adhere it to another page that had lovely faded typeset story of the Frog Prince, leaving the edges of the woodland image free to curl and lift in places.  I cut out the oval center and used an MS (Marthda Stewart) punch to make the conifer branch border centered around a white paper flower (Prima Flowers) with a little MS Antique Gold glitter (LOVE that stuff!)in the center.

Inside the card I used a castle scene also taken from the Once Upon A Time stack.  I lined it up with the front of the card and cut out another matching oval in the center.  I used a coordinating tapestry print from the premium stack and lightly glued (Elmer's Glue All) the two sides and bottom to the inside castle scene leaving the top open creating a sleeve.  Through the opening in the top, I inserted and centered the adorable vintage photo and adhered it with a simple piece of scotch tape.  The hope is that I will be able to take a vintage photo of the baby when he/she arrives and that picture can then be placed in the card much like a frame.

Next I used a square and gently scored a line (with a MS bone folder) top to bottom a quarter inch in on the binding side of the cover so the card could be easily opened and shut.  I put a thin line of Elmer's glue along the edge and attached the front page of the card to the back page of the card.  I picked out a lovely forest green ribbon and glued it front to back...to give the illusion of a book binding.  I used the same green ribbon to create a "bookmark" gluing the top of the ribbon inside the "sleeve" created when the inside castle image was glued to the back cover.

Inside the card I printed and cut out a vintage crown image found on Graphics Fairy and attached pearl and ruby rinestones to it.  I used hot glue to attach it just above the oval cut out. I find hot glue allows me to dictate the loft an image has above the base media.  As it cools, I can pull the image up giving it dimension.  More MS Antique Gold glitter in a thin line around the inner oval frame.

To complete the cover I ripped an oval of paper with more of the Frog Prince text and distressed the edges with Ranger's Distress Ink in Tea Dye and Antique Linen and used a black sharpie to write "Once upon a time" in the center.  Again, I used hot glue to attach it, lifting it as it cooled to raise it above the base image.  Finally, I added a few cute little dragonflies (cut out with a simple paper punch) attached them with Elmer's and dusted with MS Antique Gold glitter.

So that's my little 'ol first entry into a creative challenge.  Fingers crossed.  I'm certainly looking forward to that worldwide recognition.  Mama always said I'd be famous some day.  Haha!  In any case, I think I've been bitten by the challenge bug.  It's a great way to, well, challenge myself and learn from other artists.  A BIG thank you to Scott and Martin!  Pop on over to their site.  They have excellent freebies and spectacular sheets of vintage images for sale as well as creative ways to use all that great vintage eye candy.

Do You Believe in Fairies?

When I come home from a long day at work I often stroll through my backyard, taking in all of the new flourishes of spring.  There always seems to be something new to revel in.  Tonight as I drifted from one flower to the next I heard a tinkle; a nearly inaudible ringing of a little silver bell.  I turned my head quickly in the direction that I perceived the sound to have originated from and caught a slight glimmer of shimmering wings darting behind the fuzzy leaf of my Lamb's Ear.
I quickly darted inside to get my camera.  Thank goodness I'd had the mind to charge my batteries earlier this week!

There she is.  Can you see her?  A little fairie donning a white columbine dress.   There, just in the middle; peeking out at me from behind the leaf in the center.  Don't worry.  If you can't see her it's just because you need to re-train you mind.  Harken back to your childhood belief that anything is possible and that magical creatures exist right along with us.  You see, as we age we can become bogged down.  We lose sight of the mystical possibilities in life and we focus on the harsh straight lines of "reality".  We stop wishing on stars, believing in fairy tales and tossing coins into fountains.  All you have to do is believe she is there and you'll see her sure as the nose on your face.
Not long after we bought this house my daughter and I planted this fairie garden.  We filled it with all sorts of plants that fairies delight in.

Soft lamb's ear plants for them to snuggle up in at night.  Our one single plant has grown so much over the years and even been split and moved to other flower beds.  Who wouldn't want to curl up in a fuzzy bed like this?!


We planted columbines...purple and white...that have spread like weeds over the years.  Fairies love to fashion beautiful gowns from the frilly flowers and sip dew from their cup-like petals.

Every year we plant pansies of every hue.  What self-respecting fairie wouldn't love to have a gown made from silky pansy petals of burgundy or violet?  (I'm told they can be quite vain creatures but I would never tell them that I knew that.  They're quite easily offended.)

Sometimes you can catch glimpses of them hiding in the pagoda lights peering out of the little windows during the daylight or see a faint glow from within after dark.
That first year we even made a little stream bed out of pebbles and built a bridge to cross it.  Silly, as fairies would have no need of a bridge...with their wings and all.  I suppose it was just to make it homey for them.  Of course the stream bed is in quite a disarray now.  We had little wicker benches and ornaments to collect rain and dew.  My daughter still talks about the fairie garden...though she's getting close to that age when magic starts to fade.
Perhaps it's time we introduced my four-year-old to the magic found in our garden and bring the special area for the fairies back up to snuff before my daughter departs for South Dakota at the end of the month.  Afterall, in this crazy world, we all need a little magic to believe in...maybe one day my children will plant fairie gardens with their little ones and tell tales of Grandma's special garden inhabitants.

Crafty Wabbit

...sometimes the Easter Bunny gets REALLY tired of just stuffing plastic eggs....

Glow bracelets.

Some fun Party Poppers for the whole family (and I have some awesome nylon streamers to use for future projects! (BONUS!)


Repurposed frosting containers filled with Easter grass and some Reese's eggs (yum)!


Fear not, there were some eggs too.


Chex Mix for both.  Ziploc baggies with a simple paper topper makes something store-bought look hand crafted (by, say, a bunny).


Vintage canning jars make ordinary marshmallow bunnies and malted eggs feel magical.

Every year I wonder about how long it will take the believers in the family to realize the (leftovers) candy around the house is the same candy the bunny gave them.  This year the bunny gave us the left overs in a a rarely used vase nicely covered with a paper doilie.  (Did you know raffia can give you slivers?  OUCH!)

Some over-sized plastic jars that the sprinkles used for cookie decorating came in handy.  Glad I saved them.  It just reinforces my pack-rat tendencies.

 
  I don't know about you, but this marshmallow bunny looks like he's scared of being crushed by the neighboring jellybeans.  Little does he know he's moments from having his head bitten off by a ravenous child.  Perhaps he should have enjoyed his time in the crowded confines.

...for the Twilight fan.

...for the Cars fan (who doesn't need anymore cars for Mom to step on.)

A simple (cheap) journal purchased at Michaels and recovered with scrapbook paper and ribbon and a glittered "J" on the corner.

No Easter is complete without bubble swords!

(That marshmallow bunny is probably considering his plight at this point.)

Sister lending a helping hand for a brother blinded by the sheer joy of the hunt.

Hoping you all had a wonderful Easter.  He is Risen...He is Risen, Indeed!
Easter Blessings to one and all!

Valentine's Show and Tell

I've been a busy, busy girl. I've been snapping photos of all my craft projects and I just waded through waste high waves of Valentine's pretties. Starting a blog of my own has definitely made me appreciate all the time and effort that others put into their blogs...especially those that are photo heavy.
Rather than posting a project a day...I'm just going to do one big Show and Tell. So, let's get this show on the road before my family realizes that it's time for supper.
First up...my vintage Valentine's postcard pictures...

I got this pretty little postcard over at Vintage Holiday Crafts. I can always find some lovelies for holiday crafts there...and they are free. If you're ever looking for some vintage clipart, this is a good place to look.

This was my dad's favorite. He said the lady seated at the desk composing a letter, most likely to the man she's envisioning smootching, reminded him of his mom in her younger years. I got this gorgeous postcard at Art Freebies. She has a nice variety of vintage postcards and ephemera available for your use!

I've shared this number with you in a previous post...but I had to share it again. I still giggle at the "Fully Occupied". I STILL can't find the site I got this clipart from. I even searched through a few more of my common haunts to no avail.

This was my favorite of the set for Valentines. I loved the little cherubs. It's hard to see in this photo but I glittered their little wings and some of the cherry blossoms. The colors just popped. I got this post card from Vintage Holiday Crafts too.
These are two little paper mache hearts that I got on clearance at Hobby Lobby for a few cents (like 50, to be exact!) I decoupaged strips of my scrapbooking paper on to them. I literally used 3/4 of a jar of Mod Podge in the last month. I think I'd better buy some stock in the company. These hearts were big and bold on my Valentine's tree.


Here are three more ornaments that I made for my Valentine's tree...also from clearance items from Hobby Lobby. If I remember correctly I bought each of these plaster hearts for 25 cents each. I decopaged some scrapbooking paper on the back and edges and then decoupaged more vintage postcard prints from Vintage Holiday Crafts on the front. The Mod Podge really made the colors come out on these prints. Loved them!



If you remember, I had some heart shaped boxes (which I considered rather ugly, covered in brash holographic paper) that I recovered. I had one smaller one that was missing a lid. I'd used it in another project years ago. I'm a huge fan of shadow boxes...and making them out of things one wouldn't usually consider shadow box material. I used the same vintage print used in one of my postcard pictures and incorporated some beautiful rose wreath vintage clipart I found at Graphics Fairy (LOADS of gorgeous vintage prints and ephemera. She posts something new EVERY DAY! Yeah, I know! Love it!) This is one of my fave projects this month. (Okay, they were all my fave) This baby was hard to photograph though. I couldn't get the right lighting...and the print was blown up a little too large...or maybe it's all because I'd had too much caffeine. Pardon the blur.


My last project wasn't completed this year but it's one that I can't wait to get out every year. It was a two year project. Haha! By that I mean...I completed it one year...then gutted it and started all over the next year. That's part of the joy of crafting. Re-vamping a previous project. The first year I really hadn't been crafting that much. But over the next year I did quite a bit, so I gained some experience and some new tools that I could employ.

I found this sweet little Valentine's card at one of the local antique shops. The little cherub was framed by the intricately cut frame raised up by accordian folded pieces of paper. I replaced the pieces of paper with some foam spacers which I also incorporated into the matting giving the whole thing a tiered appearance.


I cut out the message from the inside of the card and affixed it to the right lower corner; setting it off nicely, I think.

The only thing I bought for this project was the vintage card (which I paid $4 for ...I'm a sucker). Everything else was reused, recovered or from scraps. Gotta love projects like that.
Thanks for stopping by. I sure hope you liked my show and tell. Now, off to work on some St. Patrick's Day decorations. I've never had any before...can you believe?! (Don't worry, my children aren't still waiting for supper. Ha!)

Dear Mom, Hearts Have Legs

Dear Mom,
It's me again. Ha! That kind of reminds me of that Judy Blume book I read as a child when her parents were divorcing...Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret. Maybe I should read that book again, you know, for perspective.
Anyway, Johanna's moving to South Dakota to be with her dad after this school year. We had a fight last week. I pulled out the, "If you can't respect me, maybe you should move in with your dad" line. Bad. I know. It's one of those diarrhea of the mouth moments that you used to laugh at yourself about. My mouth was moving, but my brain wasn't thinking. I walked outside for a cigarette to cool off and when I came back she'd already texted her dad.
Now, I know. I've already been well counseled by friends who have been in my shoes. Maybe it's for the best. I am not the only one that can raise her properly. She and her dad have a bond...and we are just two very strong headed ladies who have been stuck in a house for way tooo long this winter. I need spring to come...like NOW. Have I mentioned that? Maybe when she's apart from me she can start to see some of my good qualities. Maybe then she can see that I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. Maybe...
Tonight I went to my first Youth Ministry Board meeting at church. Man, did I feel like a fish out of water. Silly single mom who hasn't forced her children to go to Sunday School; not that they in anyway made me feel that way. It was all self inflicted. I remember that was one of the last things you requested of me at the end. "Find a church home and get my granddaughter into Sunday School." I know it was important to you. It's important to me too. Somedays, it's just not worth the fight.
Somedays it takes all I have to get through a church service without needing communion again at the end. I know how important it is to reinforce faith through worship. Faith and Grace have been the only things to cling to so often in my life so I completely understand their importance. Anyway, the meeting went great. I even felt like the prayer and the brief devotion were tailored just for me...for what I've been needing.
As I sat there and listened to the youth group activities and the confirmation class information it struck me. Johanna won't be here to start confirmation next year. True, she could attend classes at Bethesda in Hot Springs, but Dad isn't even a member there anymore. I know she would have a more positive experience attending classes here considering who the instructors would be in both cases. Sadly, I immediately started thinking of how to approach her with this. I prayed for God to give me the right things to say when I got home. Here I go...trying to force the "wheel" again. I think I have permanent white knuckles...I grasp that wheel so tightly. We all know your not supposed to drive like that...the crash happened when I got home.
She asked me about the meeting. I told her it was a board that oversees the youth activities at church...like youth group...and confirmation. "Wait, I'll have to start that next year. Won't I?" I said she would. Then she realized she would be in South Dakota. I said she'd have to attend up there. Both of our defenses were already up at this point....it was a slippery slope after that.
"It's my decision. I don't want to go." No, it most certainly is NOT her decision. Cripes, Vanessa...loosen up your grip. I'm not going to go through the whole argument discussion. It resulted in me seeing that it WAS NOT going to be my decision next year. It was all going to be out of my control. All out of my hands and into someone elses. In my head I prayed that relinquishing a decision in this case wouldn't count against me. She's going to have to find her own way now.
All I can do is pray that she finds the right path...somewhere along the way. Did I make the right decision, Mom? What else can I do. I don't have any fight left in me. See, I give up control and then I'm immediately struck by the fear that I'm giving up on the wrong thing.
When we'd both calmed down I walked into the living room and calmly but firmly said that, indeed, somethings are for her to decide...somethings are not. I also explained that her claiming it was her "right" to decide was what upset me more than anything. She apologized and said that she knew that she had said some things in error...but she wasn't taking it all back. I said I felt the same way. I explained that if she was still living with me it wouldn't be her decision and she would be going to classes. I also explained that if she decided to stay here rather than go I would like her to stay...it wouldn't be the same without her here. It was nice. It took a lot for two mules to do that. Progress.
Mom, I wish her dad hadn't moved away. When he was here I didn't have to be a mommy all but one day a month. I had time to breathe. I had time to step back and re-evaluate. Now I'm just constantly in the riptide...some days I struggle to stay afloat; to not be dragged down into the salty brine of day-to-day mire. I've even contemplated moving back to South Dakota. I just don't know if there are any opportunities for me there. I don't think Dad wants to end up being a babysitter either and I would miss the niche that I've slowly carved out here. So, I guess maybe this is the right thing...delegation of responsibilty. I just hope that I haven't decided to let go of the wheel on a tight curve. Then again, maybe that's the best time to do it.
I remember the Pastor at Bethesda, at the time I was working there, said, "having children is like a piece of your heart sprouting legs and walking around outside of your body." Man, was he right. I couldn't fully comprehend the magnitude of that statement at the time as Johanna was merely crawling then. I just hope that she understands that she always has a Friend to turn to when everything else seems lost. I know life can throw some crazy curve balls and she's headed into one of the most confusing and tempting times of her life. I hope I've given her enough of a start on a Christian life. I fear I haven't been the best example; but I hope I've planted some seeds.
Love as always,
Your daughter

Dear Mom,
It was six years ago today that I took your hand and whispered in your ear for the last time. I told you it was okay to go when you were ready; not to stay for us and then I choked back the tears while I walked out of the hospital room door. By the time I came back you were gone. I can't believe it's been that long until I think about all the things that have happened since that day...then it feels like it's been an eternity since I saw your smiling face.
There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you at some point. For a while after you left I would catch myself thinking, "I need to remember to tell Mom about that." Then I would realize I couldn't. I think it took me a year before it really sank in...that there wouldn't be anymore phone calls with you on the other end saying, "I just wanted to hear your voice"...no more hugs that chased the clouds away...no more shopping trips...no more, "Hey, do you know what your granddaughter did this week?!"
By the way, you have a grandson now. I brought him up to your grave last year and tried to explain that you were my mommy. But how can a 4 year old understand that. He will someday. He asks me about the picture of you sitting on my vanity all of the time. I wish he could have known you. Sat in your lap. Been lavished with your kisses and undivided attention. You would have loved him to pieces and he would have had you wrapped around his little finger in two shakes of a lambs tail. Months before he was born I used to fantasize about seeing you in the delivery room...in some kind of drug induced delirium. Then I didn't have time for drugs...and I hoped that I would see you because of some pain induced delirium. I remember I was sorely disappointed when it was over and I hadn't seen you or felt your presence. But you know, that's okay. I hope you can't see the things that happen here. What kind of heaven would it be if you were subjected to all the earthly woes...or even victories?
There have been so many times I wish I could talk to you, to ask you questions, to thank you for being the mother that you were. I know that you didn't think that you made a difference in people's lives. I've read your diaries...I know. But you did matter. You mattered to a lot of people. The church was packed for your funeral. Your kindness was felt and appreciated by, I think, every one that knew you. People still tell me what a wonderful person you were. I wish you could have seen that about yourself. I suppose we are quite alike that way. We doubt our worth all too much.
Do you remember the dream you had about your mother, shortly after she had passed away? The one when you walked into your childhood church and she was sitting in a pew waiting for you. You said you sat down and you talked to her about things going on in your life. When you woke you were so sad because you had more that you wanted to talk to her about. I've been waiting to have you in my dreams. I finally did last year, sometime after your brother joined you. I think I'd been spending too much time at Grandma's house cleaning. You were there as well as Aunt Helen, Grandma and Uncle Dale came in later. We were sitting in the sunroom but it was night and it was dimly lit by a weak light bulb. I was cleaning and packing and everything seemed quite hazy. No one spoke but there were low murmers all around me. All too low for me to comprehend the words being uttered. Grandma kept directing me to something, something glass, though I can't remember what it was. Maybe a vase or a stemmed glass or decanter. When I woke up my heart was racing and I was crying. We never got to talk. Maybe another time?
I miss you. Somedays the longing is palpable. I could point to the place in my chest filled with the aching desire to have you near me again. But it would be selfish to wish you back. So, I look around me for pieces of you. It always brings me comfort. I sat down the other night and thumbed through the Mommy and Grandma books you started and we helped you work on the last few days you were with us and lucid. I wish we could have completed more of it. There are more blank pages than full pages. I keep thinking that I need to sit down and record some of the stories I remember you telling me about...before I forget them or before time erases some of the details from my memory. It's funny how seeing your handwriting fills the corners of my eyes with tears. The last tangible, unique piece of you left. I like to run my fingers over the ink and think that your hand brushed the page in just that place. Is that crazy? Somedays I wonder. I guess if it is, it is.
Well, I suppose that I have rambled enough. But this was nice. I need to do it again, soon. Surprisingly, I made it through with dry eyes. Maybe I've cried them all out lately and there just aren't more to spare. I love you, Mom. I wish I could be half of the mother and woman that you were. I know you wouldn't see that...but I do. I couldn't have picked out a better mom if I'd been allowed to.
Until next time,
Your loving daughter

Decoupage My Heart

Every once in a while I'm bitten by the decoupage bug. For the better part of the past week my fingers were encased in a glue-like sheath. It seemed once I started altering one thing I found oodles of other things around the house begging for a new outfit. It actually started with some new paper storage boxes...made out of an old cereal box. They'd just been sitting on my craft desk looking rather Corn-Poppish...so out came the trusty bottle of Mod Podge.

Happy with the results, my gaze suddenly came to rest on some red holographic, paper covered, heart-shaped boxes. I've had them for years and I have to admit, I've never really appreciated them.

Now, decoupage is not as complicated as it's rather hoity-toity name. I think I'll post a tutorial later this week. I was so into the project that I didn't take pictures of the process. I really want you all to know how very easy this technique is and how versatile it's applications can be.

Anyway, some decoupage glue, beautiful scrapbooking sheets and 10 super sticky fingers later, this is what I ended up with.

I'm sure to enjoy using these much more each year when I bring out the Valentine's decorations. I'm almost sad to put them away for the year. Better find something else to decoupage....QUICK!