The Dying of the Light

Tonight after posting my status, “Hate that fading feeling” on Facebook, I started to contemplate the thought a little deeper. Since I haven’t posted a note in eons I felt compelled to sit down and write. Finally, something that compelled me to write! Something I felt everyone could relate to; something that I felt strongly enough about to push back my son’s bath time so I could sit down and record my thoughts before they slipped from my mind; something that I felt I could share with my Facebook family.

Fade, per the American Heritage Dictionary permanently housed on my computer desk, has several meanings; 1. To lose or cause to lose brightness or brilliance, to dim; 2. To lose strength or freshness, to wither; 3. To disappear gradually, vanish.

Things fade in our lives hourly, daily, seasonally. The darkness of night and the brilliance of the stars gradually disappears with the rising of the sun. Likewise, the colors of our world dim into black and white as twilight hastens upon our corner of the planet. But what beauty can be found in watching pinks, purples oranges of a dazzling sunset stretch across the horizon with the fading of the light. Fading can be a wonder to behold in some cases. The gradual lessening of pain, anger, fear, anxiety can be a blessing as well. The slow relief and sense of well being that comes with the disappearance of a headache; the joy in forgiveness that comes as anger from a fight fades.

In autumn we watch the bold reds, oranges and greens in nature fade to brown with approaching winter. Plants wither and fade as colder nights encroach and frost lays waste to the final strong holds of fall. Slowly the splashes of color rinse from our canvas cleansed by the snow that will surround us for all too long. In the winter, daylight fades all too quickly. We wake in the dark, go to work or school in the dark, go home in the dark. Sometimes hope seems to dim those long winter months. But gradually longer days bring us warmer breezes, piles of the vile white affliction that have plagued us for months vanish and life springs from the ground once again. The sense of helplessness fades as we rush out to once again enjoy the air, the trees, the bird song!

Friendships and relationships are not immune to this verb, “fade“, either. Friends we pledged life-long adoration to, our BFFs, sometimes gradually disappear as our lives change. We move in different directions vowing to stay in touch…and slowly life in our new world replaces the life that we once had. The strength of the bond loosens…maybe never lost completely…but the intensity is merely transferred to a new bond.

Love, un-nurtured, can fade too. The burning, intense, fiery passion can slowly burn down to a low flicker, then glowing coals and eventually be reduced to a pile of ash. Though it fades, it’s loss isn’t unfelt. It can be palpable. We can feel the force draining from it. We can feel it escaping us like water through our fingers. Sometimes we have to choose to fight the dimming light, to throw on kindling and fan the coals. Sometimes we count it as a loss and sit back and watch the last tongues of fire lick at the few remaining shards of fuel. It’s absence can leave us feeling as though we are in a darkened room groping for something familiar…something to cling to. It can leave us breathless, weighed down, crushed. Odd how the absence of something can feel like a weight on our chests forcing life’s breath from our lungs and unable to bring in more air. But, like everything else…the freshness of the loss diminishes, the weight lightens and we slowly take breath in again. The pain fades. We move on, hopefully wiser…stronger.

However, there are other things in life that leave a proverbial hole in our lives as they fade. I have witnessed the life of a dear loved one disappear gradually. Watching a once bright light, not unlike the sun which our lives revolve around, dim and vanish leaves an indelible void….a void so real that it leaves a raw, jagged hole in our very souls that never fully heals. It renders a wound, never fading to a scar, that can be ripped open when we are least ready for it. Something as seemingly trivial as a picture, a sound, a place, a mere thought can send us into convulsions of tears and sobs. Though the freshness and intensity of the initial grief loses strength and we go about our lives, the hole never completely fills.

Most of us will slowly fade too, leaving a void in someone else’s life. Some of us will be ripped quickly from the earthly bonds but the majority of us will fade as our health weakens. It’s natural….eventual physical death is the only thing we’re guaranteed in life. How it will happen, when it will happen is unknown; but someday the brilliant light will dim and gradually fade to black…

….darkness will fade…and our next journey will depend on where your belief takes you…to Allah, to your next life, to God. For me, I hope the darkness fades to a warm little kitchen, with black and white checkered tiles, white cabinets and yellow walls. There will be a cup of hot coffee waiting for me and the din of silence will be broken by the laughter of my loved ones sharing stories and greeting my arrival followed by the warmth of my mother’s embrace once again. The fear, anxiety, pain, anger of the life I just left fading…